If there's grass on the field?...
Morning.
With the passing of Aretha Franklin last week, there are probably 100 other facts that I should remember about the "Queen of Soul," but the fact that she had a kid when she was only 12, and then again when she was 14, are the only real tidbits that stick with me.
Maybe because I have kids around that age, or maybe because I am always looking for another celebrity to hate, but just a casual search for musicians who had relationships with underage girls yields plenty of results.
I took last Friday as an opportunity to convince you that Joe Kennedy Sr was a real scumbag. This Friday morning, I am going to try and fuck with the legacies of some people that you already have on iTunes.
If what I am laying down doesn't infuriate you, maybe it'll educate. And if you already know everything I am about to tell you about rock-star pedophilia, then maybe you should re-examine your own life, you sick fuck.
The musicians themselves don't shoulder all the blame in the examples below because the parents of these young women are just as much at fault for letting their barely teen daughters put themselves in positions where they got fucked out of a lot more than the money spent on expensive concert seats. And in more than one instance, the parents in question willfully signed over guardianship to the musicians just so the stars could avoid prosecution.
Case in point is Lori Maddox (sometimes spelled Mattix, and also known as "Lori Lightning"). This young lady lost her virginity to David Bowie at 14 and then began a relationship with Led Zeppelin lead guitarist Jimmy Page that same year. Bowie was 25 at the time and Page was 28. I am not sure what type of parents drop their 14 year old daughter at a rock concert and aren't phased when she ultimately becomes a drumstick holder for the opening act, but Lori Lightning's mom (Grandma Lightning?) did it quite a bit.
Maddox was also 17 years old when she banged Mick Jagger on the floor of his bathroom while Jagger's wife, Bianca, was being prepping for surgery... But that's cool, I guess.
I'll stick with the Rolling Stones... Bill Wyman was bassist for the band for over 30 years. He was a famed cocksman who was #10 on Maxim Magazine's list of Living Legends of Sex in 2006 ... It was said he slept with over 1,000 women in the 3 year period prior to the list (which apparently was the minimum criteria for members of the list).
Here's the full top 10, because why not?
Maxim's Top 10 Living Legends of Sex 2006
10. Bill Wyman (Rolling Stones bassist) - 1,000 women
9. Earvin (Magic) Johnson (basketball star) - 1,000 women
8. Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead frontman) - 1,200 women
7. Jack Nicholson (actor) - 2,000 women
6. Ilie Nastase (tennis star) - 2,500 women
5. Engelbert Humperdinck (singer) - 3,000 women
4. Julio Iglesias (singer) - 3,000 women
3. Gene Simmons (Kiss frontman) - 4,600 women
2. Charlie Sheen (actor) - 5,000 women
1. Umberto Billo (hotel porter) - 8,000 women
3 things about this list:
1) There was no Wilt Chamberlain because I believe this was judging strictly between 2003-2006... Wilt caught his stride in the 70's and 80's.
2) Englelbert Humperdink is a great name.
3) I will give you a rundown on Umberto Billo at the end of this blog because I have never heard of him either.
But let's get back to Bill Wyman.
Back at the height of the Rolling Stones's fame, the 48 year old Wyman was pursuing a relationship with the then 13 year old Mandy Smith. Smith said they first slept together when she was 14, and married right after her 18th birthday. The marriage only lasted 2 years (Shocker!), and what makes it even more creepy, Wyman's son from an earlier marriage wound up marrying Mandy Smith's mom. So Bill Wyman's son, Stephen, married his (Bill's) ex-mother-in-law.
I am trying to do the math here... That also made Stephen Wyman a stepfather to his former stepmother, AND, if Bill Wyman and Mandy Smith had remained married, Stephen would have been his father’s father-in-law and his own grandpa.
(I picked a "mind blown GIF" featuring an underage girl just to stay true to the tone of the blog)
Moving on... Aerosmith front-man, Steven Tyler was known for having relationships with some of the most beautiful women of their day, but it's one in particular that I find interesting. In 1973, Tyler somehow managed to wrangle custody of 16-year-old groupie, Julia Holcomb, from her parents so they could live together. They were together for almost 4 years, during which time she drank, used drugs, and fucked. They split after Tyler pressured her to get an abortion at five months into her term (one week before the legal cut-off for abortions... PHEW!). She went through with it, moved home, and except for a few phone calls, never heard from Tyler again.
So, to sum up, Steven took her at 16 and then returned her after 3 years of pumping her full of booze, semen, and ultimately an unwanted abortion... Lucky he kept the receipt.
Tyler went on to make countless hit records and eventually morph into a hip vegan grandma.
Moving on again... Rock and roll great Jerry Lee Lewis was a pioneer of the genre, and a pioneer of rock star inbred pedophilia after he married his 13-year-old cousin while still married to his second wife. In 1958, Lewis married his first cousin, Myra Gale Brown, before the divorce was final on his second marriage to Jane Mitchum with whom he had 2 children. I mention the kids because the 13 year old cousin that Jerry married was only 9 years older than his 4 year old son, Jerry Lee Lewis Jr. There's an argument Myra wasn't old enough to babysit Junior, but the dad felt Myra was plenty old to be his step-mom.
There's one detail that is particularly unsettling: When Myra Brown moved out of her parents' house to join Lewis on tour at the age of 13, she packed her belongings in the only container she had — Her fucking dollhouse... That is some creepy shit, no?
When Myra was 14, the couple had a child who would die in a swimming pool accident three years later (Thankfully!... If that kid lived, there's a chance Jerry would've married her.). On top of the death of their child, both Lewis' infidelity and drug use further strained the marriage. The couple eventually divorced in 1971, but I assume still bumped into each other at family functions.
Jerry, who is still alive (turns 83 next month), married for a seventh time in 2012. He kept it in the family again — She was reportedly his cousin's ex-wife.
On a happier note (at least for me), prior to the marriage to his underage cousin, Jerry Lee Lewis was widely considered a more accomplished artist than Elvis Presley. As a result, most people in the music industry felt he was poised to climb the charts when Elvis left the music scene temporarily to enter the US Army. However, the exact opposite happened as Lewis' fans deserted him upon hearing of his marital freakiness, and it took years for him to shake off the stigma.
Conversely, the public knew that Elvis met Priscilla when she was only 14, but they also knew had the decency to wait until she was closer to 18 before they started banging... Say what you will about The King, but he was a gentleman.
Jerry Lee Lewis had minimal success in the charts following his marriage scandal, and his live performance fees plummeted from $10,000 per night to $250 as his popularity quickly eroded. I am 50 years too late on this, but I am glad he never fully recovered professionally... Fuck him.
So Bowie, Jimmy Page, 2 Rolling Stones, Steven Tyler, a little bit of Elvis, and Jerry Lee Lewis. And if I wasn't so creeped out, I could easily add R. Kelly, Marvin Gaye, Iggy Pop, Ted Nugent, and a handful of others to the list... But I will save those for another day.
Take a report.
-Large
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As I mentioned above, number 1 on Maxim's List of Living Legends of Sex 2006 was an obscure hotel porter named Umberto Billo. Apparently, this guy worked at the Venetian in Vegas and claims his very special version of room service has been enjoyed by more than 8,000 satisfied lodgers. Unfortunately for Billo, his fame also led to his downfall... He was fired from his porter position because, as his ex-boss said, "Sometimes he was too exhausted to carry the guests' luggage."
Umberto now makes a living as my gardener. He visits my house 3 times a week when I am not home, even though we have no garden.
TAR
-L